I have her Urn and set up a nice little memorial on our book shelf, nothing too fancy as she preferred the simple things in life, I just put her photo there next to the urn, 3 purple candles and 3 chocolate red roses , that’s pretty much it, I have my memories of her now, and it may sound odd ,but with her urn home in the house, it’s almost like we are a Family again.
We had lots of Family stay with us, our little house on the prairies was packed full, we had 8 people not counting Hammy and I sleeping and living in our small humble home, but we managed just fine, we also brought a lot of business to our villages bar/hotel, we filled all 10 rooms , each room has 2 double beds so it was 4 people per room, my Friend owns the bar and gave everyone a deep discount, and we kept the kitchen busy as well.
Hammy and I are starting to fall into a quasi normal routine again, my day usually starts at 6 am and ends around midnight, I not only look after Hammy but the house as well, I had a great teacher for the last 18 years so I know how to keep a house, and I can cook, very well if I do say so myself, I have also been up to my ass in Government forms and other paper work, it gets complicated when a loved one passes.
Hammy is doing alright, he sits by the urn and tells his Mom about his day at school and always says good night to her, he grieves different than I do and that’s okay, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, He is a strong little soul that is for sure.
I myself am starting to recover slowly, I find myself getting teary eyed out of the blue every now and then, I smile when I see a young family together then get teary eyed knowing that , that was once me and my little family, the truth is the whole family dynamic has permanently changed and can never be what it once was, and I miss that. I want that back. Every day I miss her and I always will.
Hammy and I have grown closer, we have made it a rule that we don’t go to bed with out a hug and a kiss on the cheek good night followed by an I love you, we do this in the morning too, even if he has dragon breath in the morning, I still appreciate the kiss on the cheek, I have started putting little notes in his school lunch, nothing fancy, just a simple I love you and am thinking of you , Dad , hopefully it brightens his day a bit.
I can do this, I got this, I can be a single parent and manage a home and the animals just fine, I am not so scared of the task now, Hammy isn’t the least bit worried, as long as he is fed and watered he is a happy camper, He follows the routine pretty well and is managing to keep his grades up at school. I am so very proud of him and you will find me talking/writing quite a lot about him as time moves forward, he is Pauline’s Legacy to the world and I will continue to raise him in the same fashion as before, he is my pride and joy and I am gonna do my fare share of bragging on him because he is just that great!
Financially I am in good shape, there will be some tough times now and then, but then there always is for almost everyone on the planet, I still have my job at my friends bar here in the village, I cook there a couple hours a night 3 to 4 nights a week, I haven’t returned to work yet and don’t plan to until I have all the paperwork and Government crap done, perhaps in March I will return to work, I also have EI (employment insurance) which I always file for each winter until spring arrives and I can fire up my yard maintenance business again, my business is seasonal so I usually take the winters off and hibernate, I also have other things that bring in some money, not a lot but when you save it up it all adds up, I do use Google Ads on my Blogspot site to generate a small income, it’s not much but as I said it adds up, and the cheques are in US currency so I get even more Canadian dollars when I make the deposit. I also collect scrap metals and recycle , it’s quick easy money, I am toying with the idea of selling off some stuff via Ebay, no rush for that though and it’s there if and when I want to give it a whirl.
During the spring summer fall months I generally make more than enough money to carry through the long cold winters we have here, so I am by no means financially ruined or facing any serious hardships now that my wife is no longer alive, quite the contrary, I’m not spending $300-400 in gas making multiple trips to the city to get to doctor appointments, I’m no longer shelling out $50 a week in hospital parking, no longer have to buy specialty foods and special diets , nor am I shelling out hundreds on medications each month, it’s all money that can be saved and put away now.
This summer Hammy and I plan on doing some traveling,fishing and camping together, it should be fun and together we can build some great memories, I do very much enjoy spending time with Hammy, he honestly is a fun kid and a hard worker, as I mentioned in previous posts, last summer Hammy pretty much ran my entire business all summer so I could be home to look after Pauline, he was just 12 years old turning 13 when he manned up and went to work running my business, I did all the paper work and reassured clients that yes Hammy could run the equipment and knew exactly what he was doing after all he had been working along side me since he was 7 years old, he runs the machines like a pro and I never had a single complaint all last year, and yes I made sure Hammy was paid and paid well for all his hard work.
As far as my grief goes, I do miss my Wife dearly, I am heartbroken and lonely now, but I find comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering and she is at peace now, I know she is in Heaven smiling down on us, I know she will be eternally young, I know she has her long blonde curly hair and that her eyes once again have that sparkle in them, I know God is taking good care of her,I know that we will be together again one day and that comforts me.
I still haven’t been able to sleep in our bed, it’s so big and empty now, I just may down size to a twin bed, I will never share my bed with anyone so I really don’t have the need for a queen sized bed anymore. For now I sleep on the couch in the living room, also I haven’t gone through her stuff and bagged it for donation yet, I’m just not quite ready for that yet, I have gotten rid of a few things in the living room, more decluttering than anything , just a lamp that was never used, an old rickety book shelf, some bins full of scrap booking stuff , not a lot, but enough to free up some space and make the house more Hammy’s and mine.
Guess that’s all I want to say right now, but I am back and will write more often now that life is settling down again.
Remember folks: express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.
Butch
easy wood projects to build
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