I have good days where I can function as though everything is alright and normal, I even manage a smile now and then, but when I am alone I cry, I cry hard , I cry from my very soul, Lord I miss my wife, I need her so badly, I really do not know how to function on my own without her, I’ve never been truly alone in my life! before her I had 3 other relationships starting at age 16, each relationship was long term, I’ve never truly been alone in life, I don’t know what to do?? what do I do? how do I live? how do I run our house, our property, take care of business, and raise a son on my own? how do I do all this? please some one TELL ME!!
my son is coming unglued, emotionally the loss of his Mother is beginning to really hit him and he is starting to crack, please God give me the strength and knowledge to help him!! my heart already shattered is being crushed watching my son weep and cry for his Momma , he wants her, he NEEDS her, he was always his Mother’s boy.
i go through the motions of life, I cook and clean , I look after our son, I make sure all his wants and needs are met, I pour all the love I have into him and let him know how proud of him I am. …. but that’s all they are, motions, I am not living, I just exist, and I do so because I have to be their for our son, I’ll tell you now I am biding my time, just existing, when Hammy is grown and has a family of his own and a wife to love, my time on this earth will come to an end.
Today, i bagged up all my wife’s clothes , 9 bags, ready for donation this coming Monday, doing this tore my soul up even more than it already was, it has to be done, it had to be done, I have to keep moving forward for Hammy’s sake, I have to move forward inch by inch for my own sake, as hard as that is for me to do.
Tonight I am going to attempt to sleep in our bed, for the first time in over 1 month, I didn’t wash the bedding or pillows, I can still smell her scent on them, I don’t know how well tonights going to go, but I have to try.
The bedroom door has been closed for the last month and a bit, since the day she had to go to the hospital, everything in there is exactly how she left it, except for her clothes which as I said i bagged and set aside for donation, I also made the bed, otherwise it’s the same as she left it, I left the door open today to get the stale air out and replenished with fresh air.
I’m in a very dark place right now and have been praying to God for strength and peace,I pray that I will learn to live again and not just exist, this is not a good feeling or place that I am in, I know this and i wonder how much more I must endure before God say’s I have had enough punishment, I must have really been an awful person in my past life because all I know now is pain and suffering in this life.
anyway that’s all I have in me for tonight, so remember folks, express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted, and be kind to others.
Butch
easy wood projects to build
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