I started out a couple years ago at blogspot because it is an easier format ( I like the simple things) , also I could customize the holy jinkers out of it and make it mine, something I am still figuring out how to do here at wordpress, I’ll get it….. eventually! ( I’m not the most tech savvy Butch on the planet) As I found out (the hard way) it isn’t easy to copy and paste from blogspot to here (the platforms must not agree) but it is easy peasy to copy and paste from wordpress to blogspot, so that’s exactly what I do.
That said, now onto bigger and better things!
My wife is home from the Cancer center again, she finished up her Chemo Sunday and the doc said I could bring her home, She is pretty sick at the moment, chemo really knocks the hell outta her, she should start feeling better within the next day or two.
My heart Zings when I get to have her at home, when she is at the hospital I miss her dearly, she doesn’t like visitors when she is getting chemo so I stay away and it truly kills me, I love her so very much and everytime she goes into the hospital, I pray that she comes back out.
The atmosphere of the house has shifted yet again, now it truly feels like a home again, as I have stated when she is away the house seems cold and quite uninviting , My wife has a big personality and a big presence and you feel that when she is near. We give each other comfort and strength through these rough times, add our son Hammy to that and as a team we forge ahead regardless of the obstacles, as a family united it feels like we are unstoppable, but remove just one from the team, we flounder and begin to fail, we have our share of ups and downs that’s for sure.
You really don’t know how truly strong you are until you are literally backed into a corner with very little hope of escape, I don’t even truly know how strong I am …yet, as hard as it is to have the Love of my Life have stage 4 (end stage) Lung Cancer, I still carry on and get what needs to be done, done, life has to go on, I look after her as best I can, make sure she is comfortable, make sure she gets her meds on time, administering her needles and making sure she wants for nothing & being the rock to lean on that she needs me to be.
Then there is Hammy (not his real name,just my nick name for him) he is a pretty independent 12 year old, but still needs his Mom (my wife)and sometimes me (Dad),but mostly his Mom , I try to take care of his emotional needs as well, keep him positive and happy , it is very hard for him as well, he knows the truth,that his Mom is most likely not going to survive this illness, we don’t lie to him, it is better that he knows the truth from the get go than to have him be angry and hate me for not telling him just how serious this is later, and again being the emotional rock that he also needs me to be.
I don’t really take good care of myself, I do the bare minimum when it comes to myself, yes I keep good hygiene, yes I keep fed, yes I take my own meds for depression, but that’s about it, I don’t do therapy, I just don’t have the time, between getting our son to his therapy sessions and looking after my wife, the house, bills, property,animals,(dog and cats) , work schedules, I don’t really have time to do much else, so here is my therapy, writing in my blog and continuously fighting with spell checker that doesn’t recognize Canadian English, dropping the “u” is the bane of my existence.
Inner strength, do I have it? I guess so , where it comes from I do not know, I have always been a “get -er – done ” kind of person always doing what needs doing no matter how tough the doing is, it doesn’t make me any kind of special, just makes me able to quickly get a handle on most problems and solve them, that’s all, nothing more.
I am NOT the solid unbreakable rock that I appear to be, there are many cracks in my foundations, they are just unseen by others, my wifes cancer and the fact that it is terminal blew a pretty big hole in my foundations, I patched them as best I can and got down to the business of looking after her, another major crack in my foundation is the fact that just last year our son Hammy was fighting for his young life, he had a brain tumor, thank god it turned out to be benign , the surgery to remove it damn near killed him. I also carry many cracks from years past, my youth and childhood, I got good at patching the cracks, so I don’t rightly know just how strong my inner strength is, I haven’t hit my limit just yet, I’ve come close plenty of times,but always managed to patch it before imploding.
Leads me to believe that human beings are so much stronger than they believe they are, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, especially when the situation is balls to the walls dire, I think it’s in everyone , the lucky ones just never have to use it, I mean really use it. Most people will have to draw on that inner strength in one form or another, and all I can say is, hang in there , draw on it , use it,and you will survive , you can do it, just be confident and truly believe in yourself and anything is possible. thats a fact for sure.
Anyway that’s all I got for tonight, remember to express your love often, don’t take tomorrow for granted, Peace be with each and every one of you
Butch
easy wood projects to build
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