Cancer its devastating effects on loved ones

My wife has stage 4 lung cancer and it has spread to her lymph nodes and I fear beyond as she has great difficulty swallowing liquids, she can swallow solid food but has to use a teaspoon to sip water,juice,milk,etc.

Watching my wife go through this is beyond heart breaking, I have no words to accurately describe just exactly what I am feeling, heart broken, scared, worried,numb all of that and a million more emotions that I can not describe.

Our son "Hammy" is just 12 years old, he is going through his own emotional hell, he is very angry at God, he is scared, angry, heart broken, panic stricken, he has always been his Mommas boy and the thought of losing her is killing him.

"Hammy" and I do our best to do all the house chores, look after her, fulfill her every wish,want,and need, our day begins around 6 am and usually ends around 11 pm , "Hammy" and I are both very stressed, "Hammy" has a school counselor he can talk to twice per week and his youth counselor in the city that he sees twice per month, it does help him some but no amount of talking or therapy can ease the pain he feels.

I do not have anyone to talk to at this point, I just dont have the time, between caring for my wife and making sure our son doesnt come unglued, yes I have friends, but it is a hell of a burden to put on them if I start talking about it with them, and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it would make them feel, so I try to cope by posting on this blog, I realize that this venue can not express the emotional hell I am in, but it does give me the chance to really think as I type, so in a sense anyone who reads this blog doubles as my therapist, at least my thoughts are out there in cyber space for anyone to read, I strangely find some small comfort in that.

I have subscribed to a couple Cancer blogs , to learn how others cope and deal with this nasty disease, there is always Hope right? writing is a form of therapy for me I guess, at the moment I have no more tears, I have cried them all out, I have been taking care of the nasty bits in life, setting aside money for her funeral if and when that day comes, making sure her living will is in order, making sure that the details are all taken care of, its a struggle at times, Ive gone so far as to refinance the land we purchased together to make the payments easier to handle alone.

anyway thats about all I have to say right now, except please give those you love an extra hug, express your love often to each other(s) , and spend more time in each others company.

Butch
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