To be perfectly honest…. I am worried and a bit scared, if the cancer is acting up it means many more trips to the hospital and the risk of losing her greatly increases yet again, I am not ready to lose my wife, I am not ready to be a single “Dad”/parent (our son calls me Dad) , I am not ready to explain to a 13 year old boy that God needed his Mom in Heaven, I am not ready to bury her, I am just not ready period.
For the last 2 months my wife has been doing very well, she has been off chemo and living a relatively normal life, though her social life took a big hit, her immune system is so severely compromised that we have had to avoid large crowds and limit who can come over to our house, if you have a cold or flu or any sort of contagious illness then you can’t come in our house, the littlest thing can be fatal to my wife.
For the last 2 months I have once again been able to work a couple hours per night (at a friends bar) and one full day every week (cleaning the local church), the extra work is my escape, for a couple hours at least I don’t have to stare death in the face everytime I look my wife in the eye, her eyes have lost their sparkle and are rather dull, I don’t have to think about cancer or what it’s done to my family, to my wife, it’s an insidious disease, it doesn’t just have an effect on the person who has it, it affects everyone involved with that person, it is always there, relentlessly chipping away at everyones faith and strength.
I look after my wife and family as best as I can, I make sure she wants for nothing, make sure she takes all her meds, make sure her oxygen machine is clean and working properly, make sure she has enough portable tanks for when we have to go somewhere, make sure she eats, make sure she eats healthy, constantly point out the positives in her life and keep telling her just how beautiful and strong she is and letting her know just how much she is loved.
I spend as much time with our son as possible too, and always tell him just how very proud of him I am,that his Mother is also very proud of him, we work on his homework together, he helps me in my shop, and we divvy up the house chores and both do our best, I encourage him to go out and be with his friends, and we play video games together, during the summer we help each other with our work, I am so very proud of him, this last summer our son pretty much ran my entire business on his own while I was away at the hospital with my wife, he did a very good job, I am still getting letters from people saying how impressed they are with our son, they had serious doubts that a 13 year old could do the job, but he proved to them that he could and he was very knowledgeable about the equipment and work, it makes my heart sore with pride when I get a letter like that, that’s our boy! that’s my boy! I shed tears of happiness and joy knowing that I can count on our son when the chips are down.
I also worry about our son, no 13 year old should have to work that hard, no 13 year old should be faced with the fact that their Mother is at some point going to pass on, no 13 year old should be have to be living on borrowed time with their family, no 13 year old should have to grow up that damn fast,
2013 our son was just a little boy fighting for his own life with a brain tumor that was hell bent on killing him, he thankfully recovered from his surgery and thankfully they got ALL of the tumor, then in 2014 our little boy became a MAN , he set aside his own recovery and difficulties and stepped up to the plate and took over my business , and ran it like a professional, he took care of his Family when I could not, he not only worked his ass off managing my yard maintenance business, he worked his ass off at home too, he got a crash course in cooking as he often had to make his own suppers, he got a crash course in house cleaning so his Mother could sleep and recover from her Cancer treatments, he grew up too damn fast and is now forever changed, he will never be our little boy again, he is now our young man, he goes to school, hangs with his friends, but always phones home and asks if we need him for anything and to see how his Mom is doing.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face writing this blog entry, Tears of pride for my son, tears of gratefulness for everyone who rallied behind my little family, not once but twice,tears of sorrow because I fear time once again is beginning to grow short with my wife, tears of frustration because I feel I haven’t done enough, and I really don’t have a clue what else to do for my wife,tears of rage , I am so angry, so very angry that my wife is stricken with Lung Cancer, she has never smoked a day in her life, she is such a beautiful person and doesn’t deserve this, no one deserves this,but least of all her.
When I leave my little blurb at the bottom of my blog express your love often – I mean express your love to those around you, your friends,your family,your partner, your children, I say this always to remind you not to take them for granted that they will always be there with you, let them know how much you love them each day because you never know when they will be taken from you, let them know they are truly loved so they can go peacefully.
when i write never take tomorrow for granted- I mean simply that sometimes tomorrow never comes so embrace each day and live it to your fullest as though it was your last.
when I write be kind to others – I mean friends and strangers alike, rich or poor, we each are hurting, suffering,going through our own hell, a simple smile, an act of kindness towards others can make a world of difference to the recipient of your gesture,unless told we don’t know what is going on in another persons life, sometimes a simple smile an act of acknowledgement an act of kindness means the difference between life and death…literally.
I am not a wise person,I am nobody special, just another human being trying to survive in this world and do the best I can with what I have, I try not to hurt others or myself, I try to do the best I can for my family and friends, sometimes it’s not enough, it’s not enough, but I just keep trying, I try to do my best each day and live my life to the best of my ability, when I do that those around me benefit as well, I keep a weathered eye on the horizon searching out the positives in a negative world, despite my families struggle and strife with Cancer there are positives from it, for it has brought us all closer, it has tested our mettle, it has made me stronger, it has humbled me, it brought me closer to my god, it has drawn me closer to my little family and has made me cherish each day that we have together, I know we are on borrowed time, I am not foolish enough to think my wife is going to be miraculously cured, it has taught me how to suffer in silence and grace, it has taught me how to set an example for our son and others by never giving up.
I am going to stop here and go check on my wife, so you all know the drill :express your love often,never take tomorrow for granted,and be kind to others
Butch
easy wood projects to build
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