God I miss you so much, Things are coming together perfectly for your service Darling, it shall be beautiful, the little church is a perfect setting, though small we will fit everyone in don’t you worry.
I think your entire Family is coming down, I know mine is too, I am sure you will be happy and pleased, shoot I can just hear you now saying “ I don’t like the attention, I wish there weren’t so many people” , but Darling please understand , all the people loved you and they never had the chance to say good bye, they NEED this service to find closure in their lives.
I was given a big photo of you yesterday that I’d never seen before, it was taken at your Brothers wedding, Darling you looked Beautiful, I think it is a Grand picture and I will have it framed and hung on my wall.
Has God given you your Angel wings yet? Most likely he has, if I know you , you are probably up there helping look after all the children in Heaven, I want you to know that I have felt your presence here with me more than a few times, I know it was you who motivated me to dig out that television for Hammy and take it to his room and hook up his video machine to it.
I also know it was you who motivated me to clean and uncluttered the house, I hope you don’t mind how I have been doing that? I know this was your home and it shall always be, Darling there are a few things I need you to know, I can not bring myself to sleep in our bed, I just can’t do it so I’ve been sleeping on the couch instead, it’s okay though it is comfortable to me.
I have to go upstairs sooner or later and start going through all your clothes and get them ready for donation just as you asked, forgive me Darling, I just can not bring myself to do that right yet, please allow me more time, I will get it done, I promise.
I also have to clean out the storage room, wow what a mess! I can hardly get through the door, I could use a hand in there, I need to know what I can get rid of and what must be kept, so if you could come around again sometime and guide me that would be great.
Things are different now that you are not here, the house just doesn’t quite feel like a home anymore, it’s still warm and inviting, but it is missing your touch and personality, it’s lonely here, even with Hammy, it feels empty.
Hammy is doing okay, he is still in denial I think, the other day he said he missed you very much, I do as well Darling. Hammy has only missed 3 days of school, I felt it would be good for him to go but I don’t force him, shoot you know him , he loves school anyway, He is going skiing the Friday before your service, it will do him a world of good not to have to think about all this for a day, will you guide him and protect him from getting hurt that day?
Yesterday my sister came out to the village and took us to the city, I picked up some more supplies, it feels very odd shopping without you, you know me into the store and out as quickly as possible, Hammy didn’t even complain about shopping as he usually does, perhaps it was because he knew there was food coming at the end of the shopping.
We had a good visit when we got back home…home , now there’s a word that feels strange now that you’re not here, my sister took a bunch of photos I had of you and is going to scan them and send them to your sister, I will have those photos back by Wednesday.
Darling , I really don’t want to say this, but I am pretty sure your sister is both mentally and emotionally unstable, again she is mad at me, I just can not say or do anything with out hurting her or making her angry, I am trying Darling, I am trying very hard not to upset her, I won’t really say much to her at the service but I will give her a big hug. It is said sometimes silence speaks volumes, so I shall remain silent around her, I just want the service to be perfect and to honour you, not be upsetting anyone.
Oh how I miss you Pauline, my heart aches from wanting to hold you just one more time, to hear your sweet voice, to feel your warm embrace, I would give anything to be able to hold you and tell you I love you just once more.
Every morning I kiss and hug hammy and tell him how much I love him, and again at night before he heads to bed, He looks and acts so much like you, it is almost like hugging you again, I always tell him how proud of him you were and how much you loved him, he doesn’t talk much about you yet, but give him some time Hon, he is grieving in his own way.
Our neighbours cleaned out our driveway again, this time they brought the snow blowers right up to the steps of the house, it was very kind of them, I am trading all that Boost and Ensure for a home made Lasagna and cookies with Brody’s Mom, she is so kind, she is the one who made the offer, and Cameron’s Mom paid for Hammy’s ski trip, that was very thoughtful and kind of her, and yes I got Hammy ski goggles yesterday.
I am learning to swallow my pride and accept help when it’s offered Darling, see even old dogs can change their ways! Pretty sure that has surprised a few folks, but I did realize that I do need help, just until I get used to being a single parent and find my own routine, there are a few things that I struggle with, driving alone is one of them, please understand that for 18 years I have always had you riding shot gun, now that seat sits empty and the drive to the city is lonely and seems longer, just give me time to adjust Darling, and guide my car straight and true this winter.
I am honouring you by rethinking my life, I am striving to become a kinder and gentler person, Butch 2.0 , I am finding an inner strength I never knew I had and that’s because of you Darling, you made me who I am today through your loving gentle ways, and I strive to make you proud, I always have tried and always will.
Well my Darling, I started writing to you early this morning, sadly I have to go now as Hammy woke up, I wish I didn’t have to go, I wish I could talk with you all day but again life calls me and I must answer, please know that you have made me a strong person and that everything down here will be alright, I wish I could walk with you in Heaven and tell you all this in person, but Darling, I know I can’t right now, please wait patiently for me, I will one day be at your side again.
Be happy my Darling, I shall talk with you again soon
All my Love and Devotion
Butch
easy wood projects to build
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